The Living Dead

Today… I am feeling mean. I am feeling this urge to be heartless. I feel the need to be a bitch. I close my eyes and picture myself at a cliff edge, cold air crashes into me but only my hair obeys... I suck in air mercilessly and then scream … is it a scream or a bellow?… a wet warmth streams down as  I empty out my lungs clean. I don't want to fill it… but the life in me doesn't give me a choice and refills before my mind can be firm on its choice. The discomfort of feeling life fill in my lungs, forces my eyes open. I am back infront of my screen. Still  here. Still quite. Still good.

 

 

Here is a lovely essay by Judith Strasser, a producer. She wrote this before she died of cancer. Its more powerful to hear her reading it out. 

http://www.wpr.org/book/Strasser%20Essay.html

 

“Time is precious: it's really all we have”

 

We are dying with every breath we take.

 

 

A Dysfunctional Spelling

Why isnt DYSFUNCTIONAL spelt DISFUNCTIONAL?
It breaks away from the normal rules of negated prefix 'dis'... like in DISlike, DIScomfort, DISobey, etc.

Doesn't it seem to be a pun on the very definition?
:)

Iktara by Tochi Raina From 'Wake up Sid'

This should be the first song you listen to in the week (if it’s your kind).

 

Last night I watched ‘wake up sid’ and I liked the movie. It wasn’t earth shattering, but a simple, pleasant movie. Friends at my office might be growing mad with my obsession with the ‘Iktara’ song. Its when I watched the movie that I understood that there is a version sung by a male singer by the name Tochi Raina. This man got his first break after 20 odd years of learning music, in the movie ‘A Wednesday’. Apparently this singer was in treatment for depression because some website made a grave mistake of giving credit to upcoming singer Toshi Sabri for song sung by Tochi. This goof up cost the man his peace of mind and a couple of opportunities.

 

Well enjoy this version of the song

 

http://www.4shared.com/file/156455222/53bd6599/Iktara_-_Male_Version_-_by_Toc.html?cau2=403tNull

 

Here is lyrics+translation to the song, courtesy Amitabh Iyer http://spinningawheel.blogspot.com/2009/12/969-iktara-male-version-from-wake-up.html :

Rooh ka banjara re parinda
Chhad gaya dil ka re gharonda
Chhad gaya dil ka re gharonda todke
Re gharonda todke, gaya chhodke

(rooh = spirit, self or seat of intellect, banjara= nomad, parinda = pigeon, free rebel bird

Its the free spirit (in me) that is soaring, flying out like a bird, escaping from my heart, which (once) used to be its abode…..breaking the shackles that held it within….(as we talk), the spirit is away on a wing and a prayer, having bolted from its own (constraining) home.)

Je naina karun band band
Beh jaye boond boond (2)
Tadpaye re, kyun sunaye geet malhar de

(Every time  I close my eyes, the river (of tears) begins to drizzle (down)…..Anguish and misery are my (constant) company, even as the song (and sounds) of rain(s) have started their slow dance.)

Bemalang tera iktara (8)

(As I have said in my previous post Iktara is a single stringed instrument capable of a deep bass and a sharp treble…..and hence is metaphorical of music and the seven notes and life’s up and down in general. This line says….

My iktara continues to harp without any chord, melody or joy….)

Itra tun basi basi, padi hai sirhane
Band darwaja dekhe lauti hai subah
Thandi hai angeethi seeli, seeli hain deewarein
Goonje takrake inme dil ki sada
Goonje hai re (2) dil ki sada (2)

(itra = colloquial word for perfume or an aromatic body paste

My embellishments (like my scents and fragrances) are lying wasting around, breathing their (useless) aromas out and (in the process) dying….My (new) morning (and fresh beginnings) are about to return back after knocking endlessly on my closed doors….My oven and my walls are all damp and cold (due to neglect and disregard)…..In all of these atrophy(surrounding me), all I can hear is the wail of a dirge from my soul, this slow constant echoing lament of my heart.)

)

Jo naina karun band band
Beh jaye boond boond (2)
Tadpaye re, kyun sunaye geet malhar de

(Every time  I close my eyes, the river (of tears) begins to drizzle (down)…..Anguish and misery are my (constant) company, even as the song (and sounds) of rain(s) have started their slow dance.)

Bemalang tera iktara (8)

(My iktara continues to harp without any chord, melody or joy….)

Hmm... so what shall I do today?

This post was planned for the 1st. I was all enthusiastic that day, about writing this post, or rather more determined than enthusiastic. I even thought of singing ABBA’s ‘Happy new year’ and posting it. But for some reason I couldn’t post it on the 1st… neither could I do it on the 2nd or any of the days after it till now. I guess it speaks well about my ‘determination’ and to tell you the truth, as the days went by and I had the time to imagine how I would sound and how it might be if someone would listen … I started feeling a little conscious about the sing-a-song project. Now it seems like a nightmarish task. So, until another day, whereI will be as impulsive or brave, people don’t have to know how I sound.
Hence forth, I will try my best to stop feeling stifled and discontented. These which I list here are not resolutions (Yeah, I still don’t believe in them), these are things that I would like to remind myself to do, if I am in the mood to. Please pardon the ‘self-talk’...
1) Stop being such a stingy miser and get yourself a SLR
2) You enjoyed that horse ride, remember? May be you should consider taking riding classes. Yeah, it’s expensive, but see if you can manage it appropriately.
3) PMP/PG. Babe, don’t you yearn to get out of this rut? Then do something about it.
4) Voice-over. Make demos and see where it goes.
5) It’s may be time for another travel? Somewhere nearby or Andamans, Sri Lanka, Machu Picchu, Cambodia, New Zealand…
6) How about learning some dance form? Odissi has been a plan for too long. Salsa/jive?
7) Work out? Walk?
8) How about making a short-movie or take up some short movie classes?
9) ... will add on as I get ideas...

Documentary on Mumbai's 26th Nov Attack

Here is a very good documentary that chronologically, pieces up the events that took place those two days. Made by a filmmaker, Dan Reed, for Channel 4 in UK.
http://mobmag.in/seriously/dispatches-terror-in-mumbai/
Watching it you realise, how gullible people, can be exploited to make ruthless killers . You will notice as you go through the documentary that these terrorists are after all, young boys who get charmed by the lush interiors of the hotel. Something as simple as a computer monitor rivets them and at that moment they sound like a school kid who has set his eyes on an xbox for the first time. These 20-something guys are so caught up with their bosses that they need to right down 'filmy' dialogues that their bosses have ordered them to tell the media. You get to understand that these 'commanders' who are shouting out orders at these guys, are prepared to patiently sweet talk or else breath down their necks to ensure that the work is done.

On my last 3-4 visits to Lifestyle shopping mall, i noticed that the rigourous hand bag checks that were there, now has gone cold. Last month I visited Garuda mall and the lady there just took a peep into my bag and let me in. I told her to take a good look, in turn she checked my bag to somewhat satisfy me. She must be too sure that this mall isnt the kind of place that will suit the tastes of a terrorist. Poor thing, she is waiting for one such event to happen perhaps. And for those of us who do go through the entrance without having to be checked are all the more glad that we dont have to waste 2 mins wasting at the entrance.

This is the thing with us Indians. Misery, tragedy is a part of our lives. It does not get us paranoid, though it does temporarily scare us. And in due course of time, our fear fades away. We as citizens, are very laid back about everything thats not right - beauraucracy, population, littering, reservation, terrorism, etc. We can go on and on about it, but dont ask us to do anything about it. Though i am glad that we are not a paranoid nation, I now wonder, whether we were better off being one. Atleast that way we would have done something substancial before another attack. Oh! maybe thats what our terrorist-hosting neighbours are doing... they are trying to wake us up. But despite the best of their efforts, we fail to keep our eyes open for too long.

How many bomb blasts has India suffered in the last 20 years? We holdout candles for the 26th Nov. If we were to take into consideration all those blasts... I think there wouldnt be a day in the year where we wouldnt hold memorial services. India would have to import candles to meet the demand.

JAI HIND ! Its not the exaggerated exclamation of patiotism that we need here. Its a simple dot, a full stop to what stands in the way of our improvement.
JAI HIND .

A drizzle of goodness

I am sure you have experianced this somewhere sometime in your life... you could be sitting or standing somewhere and suddenly, almost out of no where, you feel a very very tiny droplet of water on your skin. It brings a lil surprise coupled with a smile ... atleast for me.

Just like that, today, the person in me, who had almost lost faith in the existance of something called goodwill, received a sign.

Today morning, I had a person from my automobile service center, come and get my car. So, I had to rely on my least favourite mode of transport - the autorikshaw. I have nothing against the vehicle, in fact I love it and hope that someone would have the guts to remodel the thing and turn it into a commercial vehicle. It's its drivers that get to me.

My home is about 10 km from my office and on days with traffic - it takes me in my car, max 40-45 mins to get to work, else it just takes me 20 min. Now, guess my surprise when the first few autos drivers I had stopped, tell me that they would charge me extra. And for what?!! Listen to this s*&! : "Madam, theres too much of traffic." Well if your thing runs on wheels it doesnt have a choice but to navigate through traffic. What were they expecting empty roads or they better get thier autos to fly - Now I am sure there isnt much traffic up there. As it is, on earth most of them can simulate a drive to hell, and if they were to fly, well I guess, it would guarantee that you get off safely at destination - HELL.

Then I boarded an auto that didn't make any such demand (Hmmm ... thats weird). I told him where I needed to go - just the area and not the specifics. The driver took me through familiar roads but not my regular route. Finally I reached at my office. The meter showed Rs.96. He asked me 'Madam, I did not have a clear picture of where you had to get off exactly. The route I took you thru was longer. Usually how much does it take you to get here?'. I paid him a 100. I told him Rs.75-80. He checks all over for change and then hands me over Rs.15. I told him that he needed to give me Rs.4 and he went on to explain that he took me on a longer route when I could have saved my money. I was happy, humbled, shocked, moved... all at the same time. I gave him back the tenner. Just so that I dont forget who he was - a curly haired, round faced man by the name of Ambrose from some JJR or JJP Layout or something.

Now, that must be a shock to all those of us (esp Bangaloreans) who have to grapple with autodrivers over longer routes, tampered meters, unresonable charges, rides denied for all kinds of reasons. How many 'Ambroses' do you think might be out there? Or does it matter? Is it just enough knowing that there is one, as of now, and there just might be more somewhere?

I felt happy for the reason that he respected my money just as he would his. I was carrying a laptop, clearly looking like someone who earned more than him. But thankfully he did not think that my Rs.96 was any cheaper or valuable than Rs.96 that lies in his pockets.

I have had another nice experiance once before... but Imight share that someday later.

So, dont lose faith over human nature. Its human nature to go against the definition of 'nature'... its in us humans to constantly bring up surprises.

NOTE: The picture is a cartoon drawn by the author of this blog http://iyermatter.wordpress.com/. I loved the image so much, I just had to use it.

Make Nita's Reel World Rich

Here are some movies that I want to collect. The ones in green- I have them. Share your list too.

 

Here is mine:

 

Duck Season/Temporada de patos : http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Temporada_de_patos

Whats eating Gilbert Grape http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/What's_Eating_Gilbert_Grape

The Shipping News : http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Shipping_News_(film)

Anne of the Thousand Days http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anne_of_the_Thousand_Days

For Keeps http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/For_Keeps_(film)

Sex, Lies and Obession http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/sex_lies_and_obsession/

Blue Moon http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0189397/#comment

The River Runs through it http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A_River_Runs_Through_It_(film)

Lions for Lambs http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lions_for_Lambs

Quiz Show http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quiz_Show

The Milagro Beanfield War http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Milagro_Beanfield_War

Ordinary People http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ordinary_People

Silkwood http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Silkwood

Burbaker http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brubaker

The bridge too far http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A_Bridge_Too_Far_(1977_film)

A Civil Action http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A_Civil_Action

The Moghuls http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0405163/

Interview with the Vampire http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Interview_with_the_Vampire_(film)

Donnie Brasco http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Donnie_Brasco_(film)

The devil's advocate http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Devil's_Advocate_(film)

The Crying Game http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Crying_Game

Sweet Home Alabama http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sweet_Home_Alabama_(film)

The Usual Suspects http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Usual_Suspects

 

I just want you to be happy LYRICS

I came across this by chance today. Thought it is something that many of us feel when we see a close friend or a family clamp up in pain. I know a lot of people have felt this way looking at me at times. I haven’t yet heard the song. But the lyrics sure is good. Simple and straight forward – just what goes on in the mind of someone who cares about you.  -NEETS

 

I just want you to be happy

I might not be the one to make you though

It hurts so much to see you down

I just want you to feel better

 

I just want you to be happy

I might not be the right one, who knows

It hurts so much to see you decay

I just want you to find the way out

I just want you to be happy

You might not feel like talking to me

But it hurts so much to hear the silence

I'd rather hear you scream from your soul

 

You never tell me what the pain is for

You let your heart be stuck in the fall

You don't have to share

Just come out of a cage

Then the sun will banish your fears

 

I just want you to be happy

I might not be the one to make you though

It hurts so much just to be around you

When you are too hard on yourself

I just want you to know (x3)

that it's okay to be happy in the fall

 

I just want you to be

I just want you to feel

I just want you to be

I just want you to be happy

 

NITA'S TALKIE TALK: Pazhassi Raja

Rating: 3/5
Language: Malayalam (Dubbed into Hindi, Tamil, Telugu)
Gener: Historical
Gist: Story of the 18th century popular king, Kerala Varma Pazhassi and his revolt against the British East India Company with the help of his trusted right-hand Edachena Kungan Nair and Kurichiar Tribe.

Director: T. Hariharan
Story: MT Vasudevan
Music: Illayaraja
Produced by: Gokulam Gopalan

Cast: Mammooty, Sharathkumar, Manoj K Jayan, Padmapriya, Kanika Sbramanium, Peter Handley, Harry Key, Linda Arsenio

REVIEW
Highlights:

1. MT Vasudevan's story
2. Good acting by Indian actors. Apart from Mamooty, performaces by Sharathkumar, Padmapriya and Manoj K Jayan were exceptional. Sharathkumar's mouth movements were very good.
3. Well-done publicity. Successful at creating a hype.
4. Locations
5. Informative for those who know nothing about this piece of history.

Drawbacks:

1. Some of the costumes look very synthetic. The British actors' costumes were very bright.
2. The malayalam spoken sounds more 'new age' than it ought to be.
3. Wigs were terrible. It looks more like hair that hasnt been washed in ages!
4. Action - the excessive use of the hung-from-rope action kills the intended effect and it has been executed badly in several places. Sharathkumar out-shines Mamooty in the sword fights- his movements have a better finish. Padmapriya has handled her action scenes very well.
5. Non-Indian actors: Peter Handley plays Major James Gordon. Harry Key plays Assistant Collector Thomas Hervey Baber. Linda Arsenio plays Dora Assistant Collector Baber's fiancée. To sum up their acting abilities - pathetic, below average, too theatrical in some cases. Infact, they look almost comical in several scenes. For example, the final scene after the king is dead and the Asst. Collector talks of how he respects the King dispite him being their enemy, made me laugh for two reasons - one, the dialogue delivery was highly juvenile and two, no where else in the movie did Harry Key's face ever show that he felt any kind of respect for his enemy, the king. (Compare it with the Last Samurai's scene where Ken Watanbe gets killed. You can see the honour that the enemies feel for eachother. Now you get me?!)
6. Narrator - It looks like the narrator is only a last minute addition for the sake of adding a crowd-puller's name in the credits of the movie in the beginning so that the movie finds it easy to warm up to the local crowd. The narrator has just 2-3 lines to say in the beginning of the movie and thats it. You dont hear the narrator ever again.
7. Had this been created some 20-30 years ago, this would have been good enough. But at a day and age where you get to see period movies being created more often and that too with such finesse, it is sin to create a movie which is known as the most expensive Malayalam movie (Rs.2,700,000) and that severely lacks detail and perfection.
8. Somehow the movie fails to anchor your attention and interest.

BOTTOM LINE:

Watch it for the history. It will ride on the waves of celebrity-power and hype. The hype will draw-in the initial crowd, but the loyal fans will keep the moolah flowing.

NITA EATS OUT @ Eurasia, Jayanagar

Vegitarian
Italian (Maj) + Arabic + Mongolian

RATING:
@ THE RESTAURANT
Taste: 4/5
Price: 3/5 - 250-350 per head
Service: 4/5 - quick - I was served within 10 min, the waiters are prompt and polite.
Ambience: 4/5
HOME DELIVERY
Delivery: 4/5 - quicker than I had expected for Italian fare(both home delivery and at the restaurant)
Packing: 4/5

COMMENTS: This is the first time that I have come across an authentic Italian restaurant in this side of Bangalore. And that too a good one. A place worth visiting. I have had food from here both, with friends and alone - and I find the food a little too expensive. It has taken them courage to start a restaurant of such nature in an area famous for its idli-vangi bath diet. They have taken up the challenge beautifully.

PICTURES: http://picasaweb.google.com/nitaarvind/NITAEATSOUTEurasiaOct09#

ADDRESS: #12, 32nd Cross, 7th Block Jayanagar

PHONE: 22452202, 22452203, 22452204

Tandoori Pomodoro Pasta

Ok... that name might suck... but the dish definitely doesnt. Or atleast my family enjoyed it. What lead to this? We had brought home a Tandoori Chicken parcel, but dinner was so good that we hardly had the Tandoori Chicken. Today morning, I walked into the kitchen and then remembered a friend saying that she wanted to try making something Indian in pasta.
Taking cue, I set out to do something, that turned out well.
We had brought the Tandoori Chicken from Imperial on Residency Road (their masala smells great and they dont use artificual colour).
Ingredients:
1 Tandoori Chicken
500gm of pasta/macroni
2 Large tomatoes
2 Medium Onions
2 tsp Ginger Garlic Greenchilli paste
1/2 tsp pepper powder
1/2 tsp chilli powder
1 pinch Garam Masala
1 clove staranise
1/2 inch cinnamon
1 pinch oregano
1 pinch rosemary
Procedure:
1) Cook, drain pasta and keep it aside
2) Chop the tandoori chicken and throw away the bones
3) Heat 1 tbl spn in a vessle (the vessle should be big enough to hold the cooked pasta), add in the staranise and cinnamon.
4) Add the chopped onions and saute till transparent
5) Add the ginger-garlic-green chilli paste till the raw garlic paste disappears
6) Add the pepper powder, chilli powder and saute
7) Add the tomatoes. Add salt to taste. Add the oregano and rosemary after crushing it. Cook the tomatoes till they soften
8) Add the chopped Tandoori Chicken. Mix it well and leave it to cook in the sauce for 3-4 mins
9) Add 1/2 - 3/4 cup water and bring to boil. (Add salt if needed)
10) Add in the pasta and mix it well with the sauce.

I know Im back

Yeah... perhaps i need to know this more than any of you out there. I need to know that i am back to bloggin and that I am going to enjoy it.
New look, new idea... lemme see what i can come up with.
Oh, this is the first time I have tried the post-by-email option. Nice, hunh?

God - the pacifier

God is a pacifier. A pacifier that was handed down to me through my parents. In fact, every family has a pacifier of their own.

Some of us get hooked to it and suck at all times. And since its always stuck in the mouth, we just cant see it completely, plus, the part that’s visible seems larger than it actually is because it so close to our eyes.

Some of us wear it around our necks, never knowing when we might need it. and use it when we need some pacification. Once its served its purpose, it goes back to where it belongs- dangling around our necks.

Some of us see no need for pacification because the need for it seems somewhat shameful – a thing of the past, a lie we have been taught to rely on when the real comfort should be found within us. We throw away that pacifier and look down upon it and perhaps look down upon those who might still rely on it.

Some of us find our pacifier not being good at its job. So we throw away the old one and set out to find another one- another model or perhaps, another brand. Keep searching for that which might finally pacify us.

My pacifier finds a special place in my drawer. It shares space with all those lil momentos that mark some importance in my life. It lies there,as a reminder of the times it helped me become a better person, as a reminder of the time I felt, 'I dont need it'. I have not lost my appreciation for what it has done for me. Today I am able to appreciate the whole pacifier business - different brands, different models, their features and the promises of what their product can do. Now, it will lie there till its my turn to give it to my kids. I will sit back and watch they would do with theirs.

Essay writing

Who thought I would ever get to do another essay composition after my school days. My pre- University days were the last time I had language classes. I was more than just happy when I heard my office was conducting communication classes for everyone. Today, after all these years I got to write one. We were told to use the following 10 words how many ever times we wanted, in which ever order we wanted in our composition : 1) Laptop 2)Nano 3)Dolphin 4)Hotel 5)Pirate 6)Turtle 7)Prince 8) Mountain 9)Clouds 10) Oranges
Here is what I wrote:

"
I love cloudy days, like this one. I had been working on the book all night- staring into my laptop, tapping away. I had never experianced an urge so strong like the one last night, so powerful, that I finished what I had set out to do. I thought, my system would crave for a nap at dawn, but, I surprise myself- I dont feel tired. I guess the contentment is keeping me awake.
My grumbling stomach demands some much deserved attention. I reach out for the bag of oranges on the table, behind me. As though to break the monotonous morning silence, the bag rips launching the oranges to the wooden floor- thud.thud...thud. There were only 3 left from my orange-dinner yesterday.I bend under my table to see if it wakes Prince. It does- he peeps out opening his eyes slowly. Prince, my pet turtle, wasted no time in getting back to doing what he loves best, resting on his royal bed made up of cabbage leaves in a two-day old pizza box.
I pick the oranges and make my way to the balcony. I sit there, on the floor with the salty air rushing to me, feeling like I own the place. I conveniently forget that I need to pay the Nano Park Hotel tomorrow for this luxury. I hope I had enough to buy this place!! How else could I feel? Looking at this rolling sea, fishing trollers bobbing up and down on the blue sea and dolphins dancing in the distance. Turn a lil to the left and majestic mountains stand tall, towering over the clouds. I am lost in all this beauty. Suddenly mind shifts to the thought of dark,cold and mysterious pirates. I picture my publisher, with an eye-patch and a pirate hat, having a hook for a hand and a peg for a leg. Gaawd! that reminds me I need get back to finishing that book.
"

It felt so good to be doing it after so long. May be you should try it too ... just for the kick!

Sketchbook Inaugerated

I bought a sketch book day before yesterday. Some 6-7 months ago my orthodontist had given me a set of Faber Castel pencils. He had bought it, in the hope that he would find some time between his practice to sketch. But he couldnt. Then he happened to see the sketch I had put up on this blog a long time ago (remember?). Little did he know that I too dont make the time to pursue my interests. The time it took me to use these pencils proves how proactive i am. But ok, let me not complain too much- atleast i got my self to use that sketch book and the pencils. I felt it didnt turn out as i had wanted it to- was finding it difficult to add texture to the skin and clothe, but with my Mom, brother and friends expressing shock at the pic and asking me 'You did THAT?!', i am assuming that it is good. So, I will give my self one pat. This encourages me to do more. And do more i will do...
I would like to thank all those people who have helped me by either praising or telling me ways how how to better this pic. Special thanks to my orthodontist for gifting me that pencil set, apart from taking care of my teeth and i hope he will stop by a stationary shop, buy another set of pencils and a sketch book and ask his daughter to pose for him or try drawing his pet fishes!
By the way, there is nothing deep about the sketch. My sketchbook was resting on my lap and I needed an object which I shouldnt have trouble observing- so the lap that served as support for my sketch, became my subject. That is my own foot - so you want a photograph to confirm it? ;P

Rid

I got there.
I had it with me
Eversince I can remember.
It was never mine.
I came hoping to rid of it
Not knowing how
Dont know where it is
But I do know its there
A look into the reflection
Desperate for a clue
Where do I start diggin in me?
But the water is running
Desperation welcomes defeat
Eyes cloud
I am humbled
Two trickles add to the ripple
I learn
It is me
The water is running
I succumb
I am free
I am gone



Wrote this just now. 10:47pm, 4th Aug 07

Not much has happened

Its been real long since i had been here. The whole place is covered with dust. I can assure you that you havent missed out much. There hasnt been nothing to write about. Yes there had been those occassional pangs to write but ...
I bought my first car:

A Wagon R Vxi. Its doing good so far.
There is one coincidence i'd like to mention here... The first toy-peddel car I drove around was Red. The first car I learned to drive was a red maruthi 800. And incidentally the first car i have bought is red too - only by chance. I was told that this was the car that was readily available in the yard and if i needed any other colour i would have to wait max a month. So i settled for what was available. Otherwise i would have loved to buy some other colour. But, there you go, i have yet another red car. I hope to take it out for a long drive. I have had some plans, lets see how much of it will materialise.
I have some wacko wishes thats been on my mind since some time, thought i will pen them down :
wish i could assist the camera man/woman of show. I think it is one of the most aesthetically done car shows i have ever seen.
wish to design homes
wish to get an SLR
wish to learn kick boxing
wish to get back to learning barathnatyam, or may be some other form of dance
wish to learn drums
wish to make and fly a kite (Join me if you will - provided you are in bangalore too, leave me a comment)
wish to learn a few magic tricks
wish to write a book
wish to make a movie
Just felt like putting this down for no reason. May be i am trying to make these visible. Perhaps, its not doin any good lying in my head.
So tell me how have you been?

So, Bend lady! Bend !

This is a very interesting experiance I had on the 14th Mar 07, 10:30 pm. This was a marriage alliance that my family had come across, I was asked to chat with this guy online, for the first time. Lets call him Mr.S.
Mr.S is a 30 yr Malayalee guy brought up mostly in 'amchi' Mumbai (Personally i have a high regard for Mumbaiwalle. On a childhood trip to Bombay I found most of them to be people with no hang-ups, mind-my-own business kinds, yet surprisingly sensitive people- they jump at a chance to help anyone. Or atleast thats strictly my opinion. This guy was close to changing that opinion). I was dog-tired that day, plus ,I had a tough day at work.
The whole chat lasted an hr to hr and a half.
Here is a part of the chat log. I have removed the initial introductory part and some casual information exchange about eachother. Here is the rest, hope you enjoy it:

Mr.S: as a wife Iam looking out for a loving softhearted..not so ambitious..not so modern but qualified girl
ME: ok
ME: go on
ME: ...
Mr.S: aur kuch bacha hai kya..yes understanding baki sab as usual..and she has be enthusiastic and she has to be very talktive a s well
ME: explain on ambitious
Mr.S: wat r u thinking that u let me know
ME: i am not sure... since you are explaining your picture of your spouse... you will be in a better position to explain
Mr.S: I wud...u tell me what u want
ME: well i am looking for someone whos more of a friend
Mr.S: hold on
ME: someone who has a similar value system to that of mine
Mr.S: for now...just let me ur opinion abt the ambitious part u had raised
ME: oh ok
ME: not so ambitious=you mind her working?
Mr.S: she shud work ...I want her to work
Mr.S: anything else u have in mind?
Mr.S: abt the ambitious part I mean
ME: ok... i will tell you what i think of ambition for me- i would want to work. but thats gonna be diff when i and my spouse decide to start a family of our own. so then i guess for sometime... work has to take a back seat.
ME: or i have to look into alternate careers from home
ME: but that again can happen only if you have a spouse who co-operates
ME: thats what it is for me... you could explain what you want now.
Mr.S: ok
Mr.S: I want a spouse who should work...but she not b very ambitious...mening she shud set the expectation right with her boss..that she wont be in the office beyongd th stipulated time
Mr.S: family shud her prioryt and then her career
ME: yeah. but when you have a delivery date ... i guess those days are gonna be hectic
Mr.S: yup
Mr.S: those are an exception..some days maaf hai ;)
Mr.S: some
ME: ok
ME: and what your view of 'modern'?
Mr.S: again why dont u tell me wat u think abt ti
ME: no i think its easier when you just put it straight yaar!
Mr.S: ladies first :)
ME: noooo please...
ME: my brains has been working real hard all day... dont make me play KBC
ME: there isnt any money for this question toooo!
Mr.S: what do u mean..mera brain kaa nahi kiay din baaar :)
Mr.S: so why dont u answer it first then lady ;)
ME: nope... you are the 'poochna' end
ME: its easier
Mr.S: poochna end matlab
ME: and more over... i am guessing- guessing takes effort
ME: you are asking me to run my brains... it doesnt require brain power to express what you believe in or want... it comes from the heart
ME: so yoru job is easier at this moment
Mr.S: Iam waiting waiting waiting...no issues...keep guessing guessing ;)
ME: oh dude! spare me! i have had a tough day at office!
ME: please be easy on me.
Mr.S: u do sound pretty mod
ME: mod=modern?
Mr.S: yup
ME: why? :D
ME: :))
Mr.S: u addressing me as dude and all re isliye ;)
ME: dude... is a word many people use... dont think its a sign of modernity
Mr.S: aisa kuch..but normally I have seen..nahi chod
Mr.S: galthi
Mr.S: maff kar
ME: i am surprised... dont you use it?
ME: chal teek hai... maaf kia
Mr.S: Iam mod na..so I can use na :))
ME: :) smart
Mr.S: :)
ME: so Mr. Mod ... tho bathaye ... aap ke hisab se 'modern' ka kya mathlab hai?
Mr.S: oh ok..coming bac to the mod topic..ur chance to elaborate on that
ME: man ... SRK shouls meet you
ME: i havent seen his show.. i hear he is real good . i am sure he will leave his seat if he meets you
ME: you sure are persistant!
Mr.S: so like u like pulling guys
ME: pulling guys? whats that?
Mr.S: hmm sometimes I just love to be persistent
Mr.S: pulling leg yar
Mr.S: tang keechna
ME: ooh pulling leg... when my tubelight flickers and when i get the chance
Mr.S: so does that tubelight of ur flicker all the time ;)
Mr.S: urs flickers
ME: at the end of the day its burnt out... but looks like its not as bad as i thought... it is able to pull a few legs atlease
Mr.S: good one ;)
ME: thank you ... *bowing* thank you
Mr.S: :)
Mr.S: vaise I dont like to bow most of the times ;)
ME: Mr.S, i need to wake up early and make break fast... so give me the ans.
Mr.S: mere dost subah muje bhi utana hai
Mr.S: so u know how to cook is it :)
ME: have some mercy on me
ME: well survival skill- i enjoy experimentations mostly
Mr.S: okie
Mr.S: ok mod maane....
Mr.S: wat do u think
ME: oh no!
ME: i thought you were gonna ans
ME: you got me fooled there
Mr.S: ek baar bow kiya
Mr.S: not again
ME: ok... i have run out of stamina
Mr.S: good girl
ME: i am yawning big enough for an elephant to walk into my mouth
ME: whats so good about running out of stamina?
Mr.S: becuase ur abt to bow..isliye..that's the best part of it
ME: ohhh sonny... you made a mistake there... i said i am running out of stamina... not that i gave up
ME: there is a clear distinction btwn the both :D
Mr.S: ok lady...if that' what u want
Mr.S: then u in for a big fight
Mr.S: but remeber..I wont like it if I lose
Mr.S: so make sure that I dont lose
Mr.S: ;)
ME: well ... i fight for my self and for the right :)
Mr.S: u fight...I dont mind
ME: like evey movie... ritiousness will win
ME: ok
Mr.S: but u shud lose is all what Iam saying...ami jyada nahi magatha
Mr.S: I have a very big inflated ego of mine...
ME: sorry. i see i am on the right. :) so its not a question of losing... its a question of being resonable
Mr.S: so give the answer of the question then ;))
Mr.S: tuh matlab haar nahi maanegi na
ME: nope... like i said... i am being reasonable asking you to elaborate on your own point
Mr.S: when I say I want u to aswer..then I wud like it to be that way
ME: describe your nature... for a change.
Mr.S: changing the topic wont help
ME: nope
ME: i am trying to understand you better
ME: we will come back to the topic
Mr.S: ok
Mr.S: its like iam in a HR meeting ;)
Mr.S: ok
Mr.S: I have a bit of dominating nature
ME: and...
Mr.S: and aur kya jaana hai
ME: talk about your self
Mr.S: aks me point to popint
ME: what you think about your self?
ME: what are the qualities you admire in a person?
Mr.S: It depends on the gender as well
Mr.S: In a girl..I wud like hr to be mild,soft,understanding
Mr.S: Ian amale...brains...way they lead..etc
Mr.S: do I sound like a mcp
ME: how do u pick friends... what do you look for when you chose or appreciate people?
Mr.S: that have to be as qualified or working in some place..basically they shud be my equal firstly...baki sab usual..we shud get along well basically
ME: so thats irrespective of gender rt?
Mr.S: gender no..for a girl she has to be lovely beautiful ;)
Mr.S: yes right
ME: do you get angry?
Mr.S: sometimes yes...
ME: what a question... every one does
ME: that was a wrong question... how do you deal with it ?
Mr.S: depends on the situation
Mr.S: if Iam right...I might try to reason out..and if nothing helps..I might just sulk all alone
Mr.S: but I come out of it quickly
Mr.S: I cannot be angry for along time..I try to mend it mostly irespetive whther iam right or wrong
Mr.S: lady..u asleep
ME: nope
ME: i am terribly sleepy
ME: but we will continue
Mr.S: ok
ME: so just as i promised.. lets get back to the 'mod issue'
Mr.S: and just as I wanted u start
ME: its a one last try before i hit the bed
ME: sorry sir. i obliged the first time with the 'ambition' bit. But now its ur turn to oblige
ME: i honoured you, you honour me
ME: simple
Mr.S: I give u the oppurtunity again madam
ME: 'Can i use a life line? can i use phone a friend?'
Mr.S: as I toild u ek din bow kiya bahut hua..not again
Mr.S: u use whatever u want...but my answer wud remain the same
ME: ok then. i think i will hit the bed and hope to wake up early. you go ahead a get e good sleep
Mr.S: all right
Mr.S: that's a bad sign
Mr.S: both of us not bowing
ME: you made that sign yourself.
Mr.S: well I just to check if u wud bow
ME: at least its standing tall for different reasons
ME: not when i have been nice to comply once
Mr.S: yes but..I wud prefer my lady to be mild...so even if u bend that does not mean u lost...but u kept my honour ;)
ME: thats when necessary. ;)
Mr.S: lady u still the chance to kep my honour
ME: mild doesnt mean give in for every lil thing. :) it means to understnd a crucial situation and soften when necessary :)
Mr.S: this is called emotional blackmailing
Mr.S: pehel impression sahi hona chahiye..so bend lady
ME: dost, your honuor isnt mine as yet... its a long way to that... it takes a lot of understanding and a lot of mutual respect. its a two way road
Mr.S: well ur right
Mr.S: I never meant when i said u shud honour me
ME: what is that ... there is that saying in mall... oru palam aayal... angotum, ingotum vennam (if there is a bridge, there has to be movement in both directions)
Mr.S: yes fisr ingotuum ( first this way)
Mr.S: then aagonattum ( then that way)
Mr.S: manalsaliya lady ( understood lady?)
ME: thats ok. i assume you said it for fun
Mr.S: nope
Mr.S: Iam serrious ;)
ME: angotu nyan cross chedu ( i had crossed over)- remember 'ambition'. not its your turn
ME: well Mr.S. i really have to go. you can chose to explain if you will , anytime
ME: well till then you may chose to mail me or let me know when you would like to chat again
ME: till then
ME: bon soir!
Mr.S: bye bye lady ME

Soon our chat came to an end. It gave me a head ache. I lie down in bed tossing and turning in anger and shock. I hoped i could have been honest with my feelings and given him a piece of my mind then and there. Though some of you out there wouldnt understand my lack of reaction, there are a few who know exactly why i didnt give him a power-dose. I wondered why would someone be like this on their first chat with someone?! Did he really believe that someone would find him impressive if he was to flash his views like this? A woman would like a man who says that he is the dominating kinds, he doesnt like to lose, so you'll have to bend for him?!!! One of my close friends felt deeply for my situation and expressed that i should have given him a reading so that he wouldnt do this to another woman.
I didnt think of another woman but me at that moment. I wanted to give him a treatment for the sake of myself and no one else. But when i think of another woman, i think he shouldnt be stopped. Why should i stop him? The only comfort in this story was that he was honest- he was being him self and wasnt faking. I would want him to remain this way if he truely believed in what he said. It would only help another woman make a decision if he remained true to him self. To me it seemed like something was wrong over here. And if it is something wrong , then i would rather want it lying out in the sun, than finding it hidden in a closet.

I hide

I hide
  now and then,
behind my face
infront of you.

I hide
  here and there,
behind open doors
in a stiffled mind

I hide
  quietly,
behind all the loudness
in effervescence

I hide
  cos
I know
  I have no where else to go.
There is no where else to hide
  But in here.


- 11:32 am 4th Mar 07


I just scibbled this out today morning in a paper, just a couple of min ago. I am not a poet by any standard, but there are these rare impulses i get to write something- which comes like- once in a couple of years.
The good thing here is that i have written this almost a year after i wrote that english-urdu poem. May be its a good sign.
The origninal name was 'My hideout'.
I have to thank all those people who have been paying me visits over here... Ann, Jes, Doc, Kim, Kondur, Vampy, Michelle, Siri... I have not been online for a long time now. And it been real long since i have done any blog hpping at all. The first i have visited in months was , Kondur's , and that too two days ago, just cos he left the country and wanted to know how he was doing.
I am gonna change that. I will find more time for what i love. I will come home.

Quote Moi

"Lost is finding yourself in a place you had never meant to be in." -Neets