Sketchbook Inaugerated

I bought a sketch book day before yesterday. Some 6-7 months ago my orthodontist had given me a set of Faber Castel pencils. He had bought it, in the hope that he would find some time between his practice to sketch. But he couldnt. Then he happened to see the sketch I had put up on this blog a long time ago (remember?). Little did he know that I too dont make the time to pursue my interests. The time it took me to use these pencils proves how proactive i am. But ok, let me not complain too much- atleast i got my self to use that sketch book and the pencils. I felt it didnt turn out as i had wanted it to- was finding it difficult to add texture to the skin and clothe, but with my Mom, brother and friends expressing shock at the pic and asking me 'You did THAT?!', i am assuming that it is good. So, I will give my self one pat. This encourages me to do more. And do more i will do...
I would like to thank all those people who have helped me by either praising or telling me ways how how to better this pic. Special thanks to my orthodontist for gifting me that pencil set, apart from taking care of my teeth and i hope he will stop by a stationary shop, buy another set of pencils and a sketch book and ask his daughter to pose for him or try drawing his pet fishes!
By the way, there is nothing deep about the sketch. My sketchbook was resting on my lap and I needed an object which I shouldnt have trouble observing- so the lap that served as support for my sketch, became my subject. That is my own foot - so you want a photograph to confirm it? ;P

Rid

I got there.
I had it with me
Eversince I can remember.
It was never mine.
I came hoping to rid of it
Not knowing how
Dont know where it is
But I do know its there
A look into the reflection
Desperate for a clue
Where do I start diggin in me?
But the water is running
Desperation welcomes defeat
Eyes cloud
I am humbled
Two trickles add to the ripple
I learn
It is me
The water is running
I succumb
I am free
I am gone



Wrote this just now. 10:47pm, 4th Aug 07

Not much has happened

Its been real long since i had been here. The whole place is covered with dust. I can assure you that you havent missed out much. There hasnt been nothing to write about. Yes there had been those occassional pangs to write but ...
I bought my first car:

A Wagon R Vxi. Its doing good so far.
There is one coincidence i'd like to mention here... The first toy-peddel car I drove around was Red. The first car I learned to drive was a red maruthi 800. And incidentally the first car i have bought is red too - only by chance. I was told that this was the car that was readily available in the yard and if i needed any other colour i would have to wait max a month. So i settled for what was available. Otherwise i would have loved to buy some other colour. But, there you go, i have yet another red car. I hope to take it out for a long drive. I have had some plans, lets see how much of it will materialise.
I have some wacko wishes thats been on my mind since some time, thought i will pen them down :
wish i could assist the camera man/woman of show. I think it is one of the most aesthetically done car shows i have ever seen.
wish to design homes
wish to get an SLR
wish to learn kick boxing
wish to get back to learning barathnatyam, or may be some other form of dance
wish to learn drums
wish to make and fly a kite (Join me if you will - provided you are in bangalore too, leave me a comment)
wish to learn a few magic tricks
wish to write a book
wish to make a movie
Just felt like putting this down for no reason. May be i am trying to make these visible. Perhaps, its not doin any good lying in my head.
So tell me how have you been?

So, Bend lady! Bend !

This is a very interesting experiance I had on the 14th Mar 07, 10:30 pm. This was a marriage alliance that my family had come across, I was asked to chat with this guy online, for the first time. Lets call him Mr.S.
Mr.S is a 30 yr Malayalee guy brought up mostly in 'amchi' Mumbai (Personally i have a high regard for Mumbaiwalle. On a childhood trip to Bombay I found most of them to be people with no hang-ups, mind-my-own business kinds, yet surprisingly sensitive people- they jump at a chance to help anyone. Or atleast thats strictly my opinion. This guy was close to changing that opinion). I was dog-tired that day, plus ,I had a tough day at work.
The whole chat lasted an hr to hr and a half.
Here is a part of the chat log. I have removed the initial introductory part and some casual information exchange about eachother. Here is the rest, hope you enjoy it:

Mr.S: as a wife Iam looking out for a loving softhearted..not so ambitious..not so modern but qualified girl
ME: ok
ME: go on
ME: ...
Mr.S: aur kuch bacha hai kya..yes understanding baki sab as usual..and she has be enthusiastic and she has to be very talktive a s well
ME: explain on ambitious
Mr.S: wat r u thinking that u let me know
ME: i am not sure... since you are explaining your picture of your spouse... you will be in a better position to explain
Mr.S: I wud...u tell me what u want
ME: well i am looking for someone whos more of a friend
Mr.S: hold on
ME: someone who has a similar value system to that of mine
Mr.S: for now...just let me ur opinion abt the ambitious part u had raised
ME: oh ok
ME: not so ambitious=you mind her working?
Mr.S: she shud work ...I want her to work
Mr.S: anything else u have in mind?
Mr.S: abt the ambitious part I mean
ME: ok... i will tell you what i think of ambition for me- i would want to work. but thats gonna be diff when i and my spouse decide to start a family of our own. so then i guess for sometime... work has to take a back seat.
ME: or i have to look into alternate careers from home
ME: but that again can happen only if you have a spouse who co-operates
ME: thats what it is for me... you could explain what you want now.
Mr.S: ok
Mr.S: I want a spouse who should work...but she not b very ambitious...mening she shud set the expectation right with her boss..that she wont be in the office beyongd th stipulated time
Mr.S: family shud her prioryt and then her career
ME: yeah. but when you have a delivery date ... i guess those days are gonna be hectic
Mr.S: yup
Mr.S: those are an exception..some days maaf hai ;)
Mr.S: some
ME: ok
ME: and what your view of 'modern'?
Mr.S: again why dont u tell me wat u think abt ti
ME: no i think its easier when you just put it straight yaar!
Mr.S: ladies first :)
ME: noooo please...
ME: my brains has been working real hard all day... dont make me play KBC
ME: there isnt any money for this question toooo!
Mr.S: what do u mean..mera brain kaa nahi kiay din baaar :)
Mr.S: so why dont u answer it first then lady ;)
ME: nope... you are the 'poochna' end
ME: its easier
Mr.S: poochna end matlab
ME: and more over... i am guessing- guessing takes effort
ME: you are asking me to run my brains... it doesnt require brain power to express what you believe in or want... it comes from the heart
ME: so yoru job is easier at this moment
Mr.S: Iam waiting waiting waiting...no issues...keep guessing guessing ;)
ME: oh dude! spare me! i have had a tough day at office!
ME: please be easy on me.
Mr.S: u do sound pretty mod
ME: mod=modern?
Mr.S: yup
ME: why? :D
ME: :))
Mr.S: u addressing me as dude and all re isliye ;)
ME: dude... is a word many people use... dont think its a sign of modernity
Mr.S: aisa kuch..but normally I have seen..nahi chod
Mr.S: galthi
Mr.S: maff kar
ME: i am surprised... dont you use it?
ME: chal teek hai... maaf kia
Mr.S: Iam mod na..so I can use na :))
ME: :) smart
Mr.S: :)
ME: so Mr. Mod ... tho bathaye ... aap ke hisab se 'modern' ka kya mathlab hai?
Mr.S: oh ok..coming bac to the mod topic..ur chance to elaborate on that
ME: man ... SRK shouls meet you
ME: i havent seen his show.. i hear he is real good . i am sure he will leave his seat if he meets you
ME: you sure are persistant!
Mr.S: so like u like pulling guys
ME: pulling guys? whats that?
Mr.S: hmm sometimes I just love to be persistent
Mr.S: pulling leg yar
Mr.S: tang keechna
ME: ooh pulling leg... when my tubelight flickers and when i get the chance
Mr.S: so does that tubelight of ur flicker all the time ;)
Mr.S: urs flickers
ME: at the end of the day its burnt out... but looks like its not as bad as i thought... it is able to pull a few legs atlease
Mr.S: good one ;)
ME: thank you ... *bowing* thank you
Mr.S: :)
Mr.S: vaise I dont like to bow most of the times ;)
ME: Mr.S, i need to wake up early and make break fast... so give me the ans.
Mr.S: mere dost subah muje bhi utana hai
Mr.S: so u know how to cook is it :)
ME: have some mercy on me
ME: well survival skill- i enjoy experimentations mostly
Mr.S: okie
Mr.S: ok mod maane....
Mr.S: wat do u think
ME: oh no!
ME: i thought you were gonna ans
ME: you got me fooled there
Mr.S: ek baar bow kiya
Mr.S: not again
ME: ok... i have run out of stamina
Mr.S: good girl
ME: i am yawning big enough for an elephant to walk into my mouth
ME: whats so good about running out of stamina?
Mr.S: becuase ur abt to bow..isliye..that's the best part of it
ME: ohhh sonny... you made a mistake there... i said i am running out of stamina... not that i gave up
ME: there is a clear distinction btwn the both :D
Mr.S: ok lady...if that' what u want
Mr.S: then u in for a big fight
Mr.S: but remeber..I wont like it if I lose
Mr.S: so make sure that I dont lose
Mr.S: ;)
ME: well ... i fight for my self and for the right :)
Mr.S: u fight...I dont mind
ME: like evey movie... ritiousness will win
ME: ok
Mr.S: but u shud lose is all what Iam saying...ami jyada nahi magatha
Mr.S: I have a very big inflated ego of mine...
ME: sorry. i see i am on the right. :) so its not a question of losing... its a question of being resonable
Mr.S: so give the answer of the question then ;))
Mr.S: tuh matlab haar nahi maanegi na
ME: nope... like i said... i am being reasonable asking you to elaborate on your own point
Mr.S: when I say I want u to aswer..then I wud like it to be that way
ME: describe your nature... for a change.
Mr.S: changing the topic wont help
ME: nope
ME: i am trying to understand you better
ME: we will come back to the topic
Mr.S: ok
Mr.S: its like iam in a HR meeting ;)
Mr.S: ok
Mr.S: I have a bit of dominating nature
ME: and...
Mr.S: and aur kya jaana hai
ME: talk about your self
Mr.S: aks me point to popint
ME: what you think about your self?
ME: what are the qualities you admire in a person?
Mr.S: It depends on the gender as well
Mr.S: In a girl..I wud like hr to be mild,soft,understanding
Mr.S: Ian amale...brains...way they lead..etc
Mr.S: do I sound like a mcp
ME: how do u pick friends... what do you look for when you chose or appreciate people?
Mr.S: that have to be as qualified or working in some place..basically they shud be my equal firstly...baki sab usual..we shud get along well basically
ME: so thats irrespective of gender rt?
Mr.S: gender no..for a girl she has to be lovely beautiful ;)
Mr.S: yes right
ME: do you get angry?
Mr.S: sometimes yes...
ME: what a question... every one does
ME: that was a wrong question... how do you deal with it ?
Mr.S: depends on the situation
Mr.S: if Iam right...I might try to reason out..and if nothing helps..I might just sulk all alone
Mr.S: but I come out of it quickly
Mr.S: I cannot be angry for along time..I try to mend it mostly irespetive whther iam right or wrong
Mr.S: lady..u asleep
ME: nope
ME: i am terribly sleepy
ME: but we will continue
Mr.S: ok
ME: so just as i promised.. lets get back to the 'mod issue'
Mr.S: and just as I wanted u start
ME: its a one last try before i hit the bed
ME: sorry sir. i obliged the first time with the 'ambition' bit. But now its ur turn to oblige
ME: i honoured you, you honour me
ME: simple
Mr.S: I give u the oppurtunity again madam
ME: 'Can i use a life line? can i use phone a friend?'
Mr.S: as I toild u ek din bow kiya bahut hua..not again
Mr.S: u use whatever u want...but my answer wud remain the same
ME: ok then. i think i will hit the bed and hope to wake up early. you go ahead a get e good sleep
Mr.S: all right
Mr.S: that's a bad sign
Mr.S: both of us not bowing
ME: you made that sign yourself.
Mr.S: well I just to check if u wud bow
ME: at least its standing tall for different reasons
ME: not when i have been nice to comply once
Mr.S: yes but..I wud prefer my lady to be mild...so even if u bend that does not mean u lost...but u kept my honour ;)
ME: thats when necessary. ;)
Mr.S: lady u still the chance to kep my honour
ME: mild doesnt mean give in for every lil thing. :) it means to understnd a crucial situation and soften when necessary :)
Mr.S: this is called emotional blackmailing
Mr.S: pehel impression sahi hona chahiye..so bend lady
ME: dost, your honuor isnt mine as yet... its a long way to that... it takes a lot of understanding and a lot of mutual respect. its a two way road
Mr.S: well ur right
Mr.S: I never meant when i said u shud honour me
ME: what is that ... there is that saying in mall... oru palam aayal... angotum, ingotum vennam (if there is a bridge, there has to be movement in both directions)
Mr.S: yes fisr ingotuum ( first this way)
Mr.S: then aagonattum ( then that way)
Mr.S: manalsaliya lady ( understood lady?)
ME: thats ok. i assume you said it for fun
Mr.S: nope
Mr.S: Iam serrious ;)
ME: angotu nyan cross chedu ( i had crossed over)- remember 'ambition'. not its your turn
ME: well Mr.S. i really have to go. you can chose to explain if you will , anytime
ME: well till then you may chose to mail me or let me know when you would like to chat again
ME: till then
ME: bon soir!
Mr.S: bye bye lady ME

Soon our chat came to an end. It gave me a head ache. I lie down in bed tossing and turning in anger and shock. I hoped i could have been honest with my feelings and given him a piece of my mind then and there. Though some of you out there wouldnt understand my lack of reaction, there are a few who know exactly why i didnt give him a power-dose. I wondered why would someone be like this on their first chat with someone?! Did he really believe that someone would find him impressive if he was to flash his views like this? A woman would like a man who says that he is the dominating kinds, he doesnt like to lose, so you'll have to bend for him?!!! One of my close friends felt deeply for my situation and expressed that i should have given him a reading so that he wouldnt do this to another woman.
I didnt think of another woman but me at that moment. I wanted to give him a treatment for the sake of myself and no one else. But when i think of another woman, i think he shouldnt be stopped. Why should i stop him? The only comfort in this story was that he was honest- he was being him self and wasnt faking. I would want him to remain this way if he truely believed in what he said. It would only help another woman make a decision if he remained true to him self. To me it seemed like something was wrong over here. And if it is something wrong , then i would rather want it lying out in the sun, than finding it hidden in a closet.

I hide

I hide
  now and then,
behind my face
infront of you.

I hide
  here and there,
behind open doors
in a stiffled mind

I hide
  quietly,
behind all the loudness
in effervescence

I hide
  cos
I know
  I have no where else to go.
There is no where else to hide
  But in here.


- 11:32 am 4th Mar 07


I just scibbled this out today morning in a paper, just a couple of min ago. I am not a poet by any standard, but there are these rare impulses i get to write something- which comes like- once in a couple of years.
The good thing here is that i have written this almost a year after i wrote that english-urdu poem. May be its a good sign.
The origninal name was 'My hideout'.
I have to thank all those people who have been paying me visits over here... Ann, Jes, Doc, Kim, Kondur, Vampy, Michelle, Siri... I have not been online for a long time now. And it been real long since i have done any blog hpping at all. The first i have visited in months was , Kondur's , and that too two days ago, just cos he left the country and wanted to know how he was doing.
I am gonna change that. I will find more time for what i love. I will come home.

Quote Moi

"Lost is finding yourself in a place you had never meant to be in." -Neets

Constant Change

This week didnt end quite well,to top it the weekend has been even worse.
Yest i woke up forgetting about the day before. Thought "Today will be better". I thought i will have some nice time after so long. I needed a break so thought i will catch up with my girl-friends from Pre-university college times. And one of them invited us over home for lunch. What better way to put your weekend at risk than to become her guinea pig. To our relief she was a good cook. But before i could leave for her home i had some errands to run. While I was at it, i recieved a call. And this post is all about this call.
It had been real long since we heard each other over the phone. A couple of years. Old friends from school but the number of phone calls we have made to each other since we passed out can be counted in one hand. Two fingers, i think- once when her Mom needed blood and the other time was when our friend passed way (Those of you who have read my first post, will be familiar with this friend). Apart from that we have been occasionally in touch through mail-I mean she is one of those people whom I send forwards(Yes. you r not alone). But this call was different and took me by surprise.
Lets call my friend, S. Its the first time she has called me in 5-6 years. And this is how the conversation went:
S: (Over-excited) Oh! HIyeeeeee! Oh! How are youuuuu?
ME: Hi S! I am fine. how are you doing?
S: (over-the-top-happy)gooood. Whats plans for the weekend?
ME: nothing much. Have lunch at a friend's place, then i have a Dentist Appointment in the evenin.
S:Oh! (light-laugh) See i will be going for a trip over the weekend. My folks werent very happy with the idea, cos they are not familiar with these friends of mine. So, (slow) i was wondering if you could join...
ME:Ok. When is this trip and how many of you are goin?
S:Aaa... I will be leaving today. 4-5 friends from the Mumbai branch(of her office).
ME: Its such a short notice and more over i know no one at all. WE at office are plannin for a trip too for the next month.
S:See i was thinking of tellin my parents that you and some of your friends have coincidentally set for a trip earlier. And that we just got to know of eachothers plans and when i reach there- I and my friends will join you guys for sight seeing.
ME: (being polite )S, dear, i can goof up and i am real bad with the lying thing.. i am not at all comfortable with this.
S: Oh come on... if they call you you have to just say that you are in Goa too.
Me: NO. Dear... (She talks from the other end) Ok. I need to think.
-End of call-
Then i send her a message: "I dont want to do this"
Then she calls again:
S: hey (laughs) whhaaayeee?
ME: See i cant yaar (smiling). Why dont you ask some friend from office to cover up for you?
S: Ya, but the friend, shes on a trip to coorg...
ME:Thats exactly why it will be easier for her to fib... she is travelling too!
S: aaa...(sheepishly) but i have already told my parents that you are there in Goa and will pick me up.
ME: WHAT?!!! you didnt ask me?!!! how did you think of me?!!!! GOD! Lot of things can go wrong... if they ask me... where am i staying... what is my contact number.... etc? too much of mess... Just tell them you really want to go and that you will be ok. leave all your friends contact info with them. Explain to them that they are collegues from another office. It will be fine.
S:Dont worry like this yaar! say .....
.
.
.
ME: Dear think real well if you want to still go. Take good care of your self. I dont know how i am gonna do this!
S:(laughs) dont worry yaar!
-End of call-

This followed by about another two calls... and with every call my tone and mood changed. This whole thing was gettin me worked up! By the end of the day, I had lost my peace of mind, I desperately wanted to stop her from goin so that i didnt have to do this!

The last call:
S: See my dad is really pissed with me... he said ," i dont like this idea at all but if you still want to go then you may."
ME:(i was tired by now) Listen, When uncle is givin you so much of freedom, why the hell dont you just leave the contact informations with him?!!! Ok. Tell me, have you been on such trips before?
S: (giggling)yes.
ME:Had you parents stopped you before?
S: (smiling)no.
ME:Then why are they stoppin you now?
S:They are not familiar with these friends of mine.
ME: how many people are going to meet over there?
S: Some 4-5 . Actually i know only 1 guy in the whole set.
ME:What?! My dear darling, your parents have every reason to worry- you only know this one guy!!! why are you going when you dont know the rest?
S: I trust this guy.
ME: Let me ask you... are you going around with this guy?
S: (emphatic)NO! If that was the case i would have told you. I would have.
ME: I think you shouldnt go.
S: (all the smile and intermittent giggling stops and tone changes to, do-i-need-to-hear-this-from-you? From her point of view - she was totally justified. Who the hell am i to tell her this?!!) Why? do you say that?
ME: Simple. You are going thru all this shit... all this pain and all this trouble to lie your way out. why dont you just dial the number to your friend and let your parents speak to him. They will instantly feel comfortable. Tell them you really want to go. and you will take good care of your self.
.
.
.
ME: Dear I dont know what you do. I hope you know what your doing. I feel used. you just make sure that they dont have to call me. I can't keep a lie go on for too long.
S: hey i am sorry. I will make sure they dont call you.
ME: you better be. you take care. remember you are responsible for your self. Enjoy
-End of call-
S had asked for my home number and address her parents wanted to know.
S wanted me to tell my parents so that they were informed just in case her parents would call. but she needed to know what i would tell my folks... i told her it would just be what ever the truth is so far.

This is not the first time i have been asked such favours. The only difference with this situation is ... (1)the one who needs help always asks me whether i am ok doing a cover up- for which it has always been easy to say a straight off no. unlike in this case where the damage was already done (2)the ones who have made such requests to me in the past are people i was in touch with at that time... not someone who called right out of the blue after half a decade to drop a bomb like this.
So what were the mistakes:
MISTAKE 1:i shouldnt have been dazed and shocked. should have taken stock of the situation. Should have seen it straight... if she couldnt be desent enough to ask for my consent before draggin me into this crap, then i had every right to be rude to her. tell her NO. Why would i have to care of the soup she would be in?

S, was never the kinds to resort to using stories to get her way when we were in school. She was a strong girl, straight-forward. An achiever, a successful student and state level athelete. Its shockin to see how people change. Its not to say i am perfect. I have changed in my own way... and to be honest.. in ways i dont like. But you have an idea of the ways and extent to which your friends can change over time, and S's case proved my assessment wrong.

While at my friends place for lunch, i shared this issue with them, and there again, the host was of the opinion that i 'Just help her!' while the other friend was thinkin like i was... "hey who is she going with, what if she is into some trouble... hey then you shouldnt have to be pulled into it yaar!"

Well i went home after my dental appointment and rattled the whole story to my folks. Again, my mom was shocked with hearing that S would need to do this... this tells you that i am not the only one who thought S would change like this. Then my folks were of the opinion that her parents should be informed that i am not with her.

So today morning Mom called her home and spoke to her Dad and Mom. Then i spoke to Uncle(her Dad) too. He seemed to be really disappointed, was real sad. Though he didnt seemed to be surprised- i guess the disagreement they had the previous night in some way kept him prepared. I told him not to worry and that she will be fine and that she is a responsible girl. I did one right thing.. i told her to give me the details of the person she was travelling with. I passed the number on to Uncle and then said that he neednt use that number and lets wait for her safe return home. I was trying my best to soften the situation but they would know better of how to handle it than i would. I was feeling awkward- it was something i had never done before.

This post could raise mixed feelings in people.. But here goes... trying the best to keep things open is the best way out for most of the situtaion. If the issue is something that matters to the people around you then keeping it open is the best option. There is nothing wrong with fibbing, but this situation didnt seem like one that needed a lie this big. And more over , i didnt have a good feelin about the whole incident... something kept saying there is something wrong in this. There are situations where lieing is ok if your situation is real bad, but your sitation couldnt be better if your Father tells you that you can go, though i dont agree with you.
I hope she has a good time in Goa and comes back home safely.

Happy New Year

My words are move through time ... and they read Happy new Year to every one reading this.
This is the first post for 2007. And I intend on keepin it going. :)