Touch and go...

7:48pm 30th Dec
its half an hr past the news of the trek being cancelled. Poor Raksha's having high fever. I know,she herself must have been looking forward to it so much that she put up with all the discomfort for so long! And to top it , both Malu and Raksha plan on hosting a party at their place tomorrow. Thats so sweet of them to arrange a celebration for us, but I think some rest is what she needs now. Hosting a party is a lot of effort. May be i'll try going a lil early to help them out- if i am going.
8:10pm 30th dec
Sometimes when I am all low I talk crap about destiny. And I am gonna do it now. I am writting just to feel a lil better . its boring and I suggest you dont read further. I warn you this is gonna be the typical long boring me.
I have always loved walking and climbing in places blessed with the bounty of nature. No. I am not athletic - as a matter of fact- I am pathetically slow,get tired soon and suffer from wheezing. The first time I got to hear of the four lettered word... 'trek' is in my pre-university years when the college union decided to start the Trekking Club and I instantly fell in love with the idea of walking thru the wilderness. I and my hand jumped up to figuratively proclaim, 'count me in'. I actively took part in planning out the first trek . All set,now we needed to get the consent form signed. Thats where I faced unforseen problem- OK...I agree , I was stupid I didnt see it comin - my parents like many other Indian parents were terrified. I asked...they said no...I didnt try to convince...they didnt sign ... I didnt go. I was terribly disappointed. I wept an incy bit in the tear-chamber (for all of you out there,thats the bathroom). Listened to all the stories the others had to say when they came back. I diligently attended all the meeting but didnt take part in arranging a trek ever again. Then the next trek came around, again I went with the consent letter . This time I guess my folks felt sorry for me and made a consession- I can go only if one of my friends went. All my pals who went for the first trip decided not to for the second. Then one of our family friends was trying to find someone to go with her daughter, who incidentally was studying with me ... but the story at their end was a lil different. Prathibha's parents were more than willing to send her, but the clever babe pulled a trick so that she wouldnt have to be sent for the trek. She said,'OK!OK! I'll go only if i have a friend to go with me!', very well knowing that no one from her gang was interested. With her Mom and Dad being hell bent on tryin to foil her plans, my hopes of finally getting to go,were soaring high. To my joy and to her diappointment both our parents signed the consent letters. The night before the morning we had to leave, I dont need to tell you,I was experiencing euphoric highs. But then our lady,Prathibha did something that I couldnt- she put her foot down that night and told her parents that she didnt want to go. She won , I lost. I was angry not at Prathibha or my parents but at my self- for pumping up my hopes so high. I failed my self... I failed to understand that this was something that I perhaps would never be able to do. Though my folks were relieved, i guess it was evident to them that i was just sad that i couldnt go. But they wouldnt know that i gave the tap in the tear-Chamber a stiff competition. :)) Then i quit attending the meetings. I know there was a third time I met the same fate, but I remember nothing of it.So, I presume I took it well.
Now comes around a forth time. And yes I havent changed much from the forever-dreamin fool I was , and took my self for a ride this time around too. I thought that I would finally get to go for my first ever trek on 31st dec 2005... its 11:08 pm now a few hrs away from 6:30am - the time I would leave for my first trek. Well this time getting my parents to say yes was easier cos my Mom, inspite of her fears, knew that this was something I dreamt of doing and I took the effort of saying 'I want to go'(thanks to my Mom's urge)- Something I didnt do all the other times. And then my Dad conceded. But all the way,every moment, something or the other happened that would make me think that I wouldnt make it to this trek. Now that it isnt taking off, I am wondering whether I am not meant to go? Should I even try the next time? Cos to tell you the truth... breaking free from a norm that you have been obediently living by for so long , no matter how much you hated it, does bring different kinds of fear alive. All this time when I was determined to go, I have to admit, there were moments where my parents' fears rubbed off on me... would I get lost, would I be safe, would I fall sick,... so many questions about my self. That brings into the lime light another scary finding- I am not too sure of my bloody self! Wow! Am I proud!
Its amazing when you look at how some tiny things can shake a person. Ironic,it seems ridiculous to the saner part of the person. I took it ok this time, but there were times when the salt water stung my eyes but i sucked them back in.
I am 25yrs old and i still behave like a kid!!!! Now after writing all this, looks like the suction system in my eyes have failed. look at me multi tasking efficiently- weeping and typing.
The adult in me puts,her arm around me and says with an understanding smile, 'Hey, stupid! Dont read this incident as a sign of anything!Its just a case of touch and go! relax. If not now, then some time later, sweety. look at the brighter side! You discovered that you are a retard as ever- you still take some of the most insignificant things serious! meaning you are a 10 yr old at heart. Now thats good news for your heart! So cheer up!'. I listen , wipe my tears,smile and look up to her.
ARE YOU STILL READING?!!
Well, if you've come so far, Happy New Year's Eve!